SO many things filling my head… where to start, where to start?
Valley- The 3 year slump. (Which is apparently common in marriages, or so I've heard.)
I have heard it existed, but since my first marriage didn’t even last 2 years, I wasn’t sure. It does in fact exist.
It seems Justin and I don’t agree on much lately. At this point it feels as if we are cohabitating out of lack of effort to do anything else. Don’t get me wrong, it’s better today than it was a month ago, but we are by no means out of the “valley” and back at “sea level” if you know what I mean.
I’m not sure if it’s a “Justin and Krystle” thing, or if it’s a new baby thing, or if it’s just the path we walked like other married couples before us. It’s just… blah, and we can’t seem to pull ourselves out of it. We disagree, I get sarcastic, he gets defensive, we zone out at the TV or argue for 2 hours. It just cycles around and around. It seems that our views on parenting and obtaining material items differ greatly and are the source of constant battles. I’m just not sure if a truce is in sight, or if we are destined to continue on this way of not seeing eye to eye.
Molehills- Our battleground. What are the molehills exactly??
1. Parenting- Call me crazy, but I spend nearly every minute I’m not at work with my children. I am their mother, it’s my job to take care of them, and honestly… how could I not love being with them? The only exception to this is my recent addition of gym-time; which I carefully plan after bedtime as not to “burden” Justin with having to wrangle and coerce two kids to sleep. (How nice of me I think!) Justin, on the other hand, feels that during the days when he’s not in school or working, it’s his “free time” to do with as he sees fit, because Brittany is at home and prepared to take care of the children. This is where we differ. They are OUR children, and it is OUR responsibility (and privilege I might add) to take care of them and spend time with them when possible. Looking back, at us discussing him quitting his job and starting school, I remember him adding, “This will also give me a chance to spend time with Joey as a baby that the Army didn’t allow me when Jordan was.” There should have been a neon sign flashing “SALES PITCH” going off, because it hasn’t happened. When his best friend (next door neighbor) is home and Brittany is able to watch the kids, you can bet the bank Justin will pick best friend any day of the week. This is a source of major tension and a lot of arguments between us. I respect that he needs “guy time” or just time away in general, but there must be a limit! And really… how can I understand when I am not afforded the same consideration. I mean, he makes me feel guilty about going to the gym for an hour and a half AFTER I put the kids to bed! Urgh.
2. Money- Isn’t this a sore spot for a lot of couples? I hope so and I don’t hope so at the same time. Though I did FINALLY get him to agree to an allowance. My thought was $60 every two weeks for our personal spending. He interpreted that as “$60 every two weeks for our personal eating out”. Umm… WHO THE HELL NEEDS TO EAT OUT THAT MUCH BY THEMSELVES? When I corrected him and said, “No, that includes coffee, breakfast/lunch, and recreational spending like DVDs, golfing, whatever you do by yourself or with friends,” it was like I was being completely unreasonable. Great, glad progress is still NOT being made.
3. Materialism- I’m just so tired of hearing about whatever new truck Justin wants that day EVERY time we drive somewhere. “In a couple years, when I get my new truck…” or “I really want ___ truck I think…” or “If I had $50,000 to buy a truck, I would get…” or “Look at THAT truck! Oh my God, I can’t wait to get my new truck!” SERIOUSLY? Can we PUH-LEASE pay off our trucks (in the next 3-7 years bytheway) and be done for a bit? On top of that he wants a motorcycle, a trailer, a boat, a commuter car (so he can PARK the gas-hog of a truck) and Lord knows what else. You know what I want? I want to PAY-OFF our existing debt and revel in NOT making a payment for a little bit. He’s so gung-ho on all these items he wants that it sounds like as soon as 1 thing is paid of (or not even) he thinks we’re going to go buy something else! I’m just so overwhelmed thinking of all the money it takes to get and maintain these things. And just when I think he understands (well, kind of understands), “I’ve decided I’m going to wait to get a new truck.” (gee- ya think?!), the next day he’s back at it again with the motorcycle, boat, trailer, whatever talk.
It makes me feel like his life isn’t good enough the way it is. That what we HAVE (material or otherwise) isn’t good enough. And he doesn’t get it. So we continue to disagree and I continue to tune him out during every car ride we have together.
4. His “best friend”- A constant source of disagreement is how much time he spends with his friend. Yes, we are neighbors. Yes, you two did two tours of war together. No, that does not mean you owe him anything, including all your time/energy, and by no means does it mean it’s okay for him to be around all the time. And NO, he does not need to go to your doctor appointments with you. It’s CREEPY. He’s nearly 43 and his life revolves around my 28 year old husband… which includes text messages like “Hey bro, text me when you get out of your doctor’s appointment and let me know how it went. I love you bro!” It’s just a constant conversation between Justin and I about the appropriateness of their “friendship” and Jimmy’s (aka best friend) sense of entitlement in our family. To the point where, he takes our dog away from my family, walks in our house without knocking or calling, and, in the past, staying for dinner most of the week uninvited. While I’ve squashed most of it, it’s turned into a secrecy thing now. The guys meet for lunch at least once a week without telling me. Justin says he’s going fishing without mentioning Jimmy is joining him. Things like that. It just screams AFFAIR to me… maybe not in the sexual sense, but definitely in the sense where Justin has someone in his life that he leans on heavily and shares his time with.
Mountains- Have you ever heard the saying “don’t turn molehills into mountains”? Meaning, don’t turn a little problem into something bigger than it is. Well, I can’t tell what is or isn’t a mountain or a molehill anymore.
Views- Whoever said you have to climb the mountain to enjoy the view is probably right… but they probably weren’t married. Those mountains are strong, and sometimes the lack of oxygen climbing the mountain really shakes your relationship.I think we’re probably somewhere around ½ way to the mountain’s summit and the views are decent. But there’s a part of me that knows I’m not seeing all the way to the horizon.
I mean, we have the American dream, right? Okay, the home owner’s association doesn’t allow for a white picket fence, but who needs it? We love each other, have a beautiful daughter, an adorable growing son, dogs, an SUV and a stable income. What could be better? I believe that our friends that do not know us well think we have the life. I would like to think this life is enough… but how can you when you are afraid to start another fight by voicing your opinion, or feel like your husband’s friend’s happiness matters more to him than yours? How can I when I feel like my husband spends time with our children only when he has to? Or that he still thinks that s-e-x is a good idea after 2 hours of arguing… I guess I know that the mountain(s) has yet to be conquered, I’m just not sure that we have the right equipment to actually reach the top. I don’t want us to get stuck in the middle somewhere and never get to see that full panoramic. And I’m wondering if it’s even possible. I mean, marriages I’ve thought were so strong and happy aren’t always the case… so, I wonder if this is as good as it gets… and if I’m okay with that.
Unlike my first marriage… deep down, I am happy. I love Justin. I really, really do. And I am BLESSED to have our children, and the family and friends in my life that I do.
I have NEVER thought about leaving Justin, and the moment (in the heat of battle) he said, “I’m THIS CLOSE to walking out Krystle!” he shattered my world as I knew it and I started crying (in lieu of falling down from my whole foundation giving out on me). I don’t know if I’ll ever forget that he said that. I’ve considered giving him the out before, out of desperation not want, but I never did because it’s not what I’ve ever wanted, but the fact that HE said it… like he had put thought and consideration into it… It was a shock. I just felt like he would… and it crushed me. It hurt even more so, because I know that I’m the only one he would say it to. He would NEVER threaten to cut off his parents for disagreeing with him. And he would NEVER (I mean NEVER) walk away from Jimmy… through all the fights we’ve had on the Jimmy subject, he’s always maintained with Jimmy that I’M the one with the issue… it’s never been, “Jimmy, we really need to take a step back because Krystle and I need some time and space.” It’s always ME.
Sigh… now that I’ve vented, I’m still not feeling much better. These are not new things for me to say/feel. But thanks for providing me an outlet anyway.
P.S.
I did not intend for this post to be what it turned out as, so once I collect myself I will tell you of my day. Which WAS my intent!
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